CHOMP
by PadfootxMoony666
Summary: I wish YOU had lovely lady lumps! A parody that turns Hogwarts into a very strange place when a girl named Mary enrolls... Updated every Monday! Occasionally, in other words.
1. Importantly, Disturbances in the Force

**Saga I: A New Enrollment, And Even More Importantly, Disturbances in the Force**

The smoke issuing from the engine of the train cast a shadow over Mary. As she cleared it, jaws dropped. Mary didn't understand why so many people were staring at her as she walked down the platform. Maybe it had something to do with her clothes? She looked down and stepped to the side to avoid the masses in front of her, but saw nothing strange – just her normal clothes, ones that in the eyes of public school systems everywhere revealed too much.

She gave a concerned look to all the girls glowering at her, and furrowed her brow in even more concern towards the boys swooning and fainting at the sight of her. _The best way to describe such an occurrence,_ she thought,_ is to say that they look like rabid fan-girls_. Wherever she went, she was met with the same reactions. _Maybe, _she thought, _it has something to do with my long raven-colored hair that flows past my Hop Topic accessories and down toward my knees and combat boots. _

Mary didn't know it, but she was alluring (and to many) drop-dead gorgeous. Her hair (which she could have told you proudly) had red tips which perfectly brought out her blue-green-speckled-with-gold eyes. She flipped her hair so it billowed in the wind. She had to watch behind her because her incredibly long hair had become one of her most dangerous weapons when braided. Even with her caution, she still managed to hit a nearby second-year. Walking past the cowering little boy, she walked into a cabin which she thought was empty, but was apparently... not.

"So, did you know that Dumblydork isn't dead anymore?" said Hermione.

"WHAT!" cried Harry and Ron simultaneously.

"Yep. It was just another plot gap. Rowling should really think about these things before writing, you know?"

The sound of Dumbledorie's name to Mary brought back a sudden and unexpected flashback to her.

_Dubledoor was staring at her with a strange twinkle in his eye. Why the hell were his eyes always twinkling? She didn't know. However, she wasn't allowed more time to think about it as Dumbdork had started talking. _

"_Not only are you a talented witch well beyond the other seventh years despite having only found out that you were witch this summer, but you are also part vampire/part werewolf/part dragon/part muffin/and can see the future! M'dear," he said, with that strange twitch twinkle thing that came spasmodically (not to mention often) to his eyes, "I think you shall be an excellent addition to this school."_

_Suddenly there was a blinding light in her vision and a flying rabid squirrel came pelting through the incredibly large gap in the story. Unfortunately this evil rabid squirrel was also diabetic, and much to fat to fit through, this enormously large gap in the story. "Ah, this is Bottoms, Uggly Bottoms," Dumbledore said with a smile and another eye-twinkle. "He is possession of Harry Potter's, who shall be an intellectual equal at your school when you start this year." _

_Dumbledore blinked. "I mean, Harry will be an intellectual equal. Not the squirrel."_

Coming back to reality, Mary heard a male's voice in the cabin.

"Why the hell are we on the train anyway? I mean, in the last chapter of the sixth book I thought I said I wasn't coming back to school and was going to fight evil."

Mary saw the other red-head boy staring at a neat pile of books on the seat next to him all labeled Harry Potter and the... Mary decided that she needed a seat.

She cleared her voice rather loudly. "May I sit here?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah." Harry then looked up. _Holy'd shiznits!_ He thought. _She's hot! _

Indeed she was. Hermione stared at the two boys who were totally absorbed in staring at Mary before deciding to glower at her herself. _Evil-creep lady._

"Ron! Harry! Stop ogling!" she said, feeling rather bookish and wishing to use words seldom used in the English language. Suppressing the need to shout 'conquistadors', she looked back to Harry and Ron.

The huge chest region, tiny waist, and long legs, making staring with wide-eyed appreciation, had captivated them. They completely ignored the fact that they were staring in places they shouldn't have been staring.

As they continued to stare at the areas not being named here, Hermione fumed. "I think Harry's books are occupying that seat," nodding towards the only available chair in the cabin. She continued her piercing stare at the gorgeous angel in front of her.

"_No!_ This seat is definitely _not_ occupied!" Harry shoved the books of the seat, tumbling his large collection of books about him to the floor. Hermione, who was in a glaring mood today, switched her line of vision from Mary to Harry.

Harry opened his mouth to speak when he was cut off in mid-sentence. A bitc– _complaining_ squirrel came hurtling through the open window, giving Mary a sense of déjà-vu. "Uggly Bottoms!" she shouted with affection, remembering her last encounter with the squirrel.

"You fat-ass squirrel," Harry said. "I thought I told you to stay in Malfoy's pants until we got to Hogwarts!"

The four teenagers saw a blond-haired, extremely handsome (even when screaming in a girlish wail) boy run past scratching at the space between his upper thighs. They stared in blank confusion as he ran by, then continued with their deranged conversation.

"So, my name is Mary Suelicious! My hobbies include modeling for Hot Topic, listening to dark gothic-sounding music, being pretty, shopping, and not talking girlily! I also have a black-belt in karate and have a secret sword which I plan to murder the man who killed my brother with in my trunk." She looked up cheerily. "Would you like me to show it to you?"

Ron quivered as the color drained from his face. "No, that's okay."

"So how do you know Bottoms, Uggly Bottoms?" Harry asked as he stared into her multi-colored eyes. _Just try to keep up the conversation. Try not to spill anything over yourself like you used to when you used to talk to Cho. Hey! When we get to Hogwarts, take her to the Quidditch pitch and show her your mad skills! Then maybe take a moon-light walk to the Room of Requirement. Note to self: make sure Hermione isn't around..._

Meanwhile, Ron was making plans of his own.

_Saga 1: kidnap Harry's squirrel_

_Saga 2: Give squirrel to Mary for whatever holiday is up next_

_Saga 3: Get a really large net. This should make fun for later. _

_Saga 4: Eat breakfast. Remember to put on new socks._

_Saga 9: Bribe Dobby to take Polyjuice Potion turning him into Mary, and then make him find Harry._

_Saga 20: Bribe squid to take vacation from the Great Lake._

_Saga 101: Swim with Mary. Forget clothes. _

Meanwhile, Hermione was also forming devious plans for Mary.

_Hm… I shall need to find a bigger pitchfork… However, I can simply execute plan Delta: stab repeatedly with knitting needles after losing pitchfork. When properly butchered, dress her in lederhosen and bribe squid to do the tango with her when until someone finds her dead, dancing body. _

Meanwhile, Mary was making plans of her own... even though they only involved her outfits for the week.

_Should I wear the blue striped sailor shirt or the orange mini-skirt on Monday? I wonder why Ron is staring at my shirt so... do I have some sort of spot on my chest?_

She looked down, and couldn't see one. Pulling the neckline of her shirt down further, she checked again. Nothing, so still further…

Hm. Nothing. Just Harry and Ron staring at her completely red in the face. _Does Ron have a nosebleed?_ She thought with incredulity. She then decided she didn't want think about it as the train hurtled towards Hogwarts.

---

Hagrid walked outside, seeing Dumbledee coming down the sloping lawn, carrying a sign saying "HAGRID, THE TRAIN IS COMING," in all capital letters. Hagrid noticed the scrawl was messier than normal, but it did not register in his mind.

This sign was how Dumbledore informed him every year to go to the platform – though for the love of God he could never understand why Dumbledore didn't just use magic. Hagrid then noticed that there was something wrong with the gait of Dumbleydore – he was walking with his arms straight out, similar to how a zombie would. _In fact,_ Hagrid thought to himself, _Why is Dumblezork green?_ Straightening from the waters he was flowering, deciding to ignore the improper grammar, he said to himself:

"I sense a disturbance in the force."


	2. Saga Wanna Be

**Chapter 2: Saga Wanna-be**

They piled into a carriage that was to drive them up to the castle together, Ron and Harry taking up as much space as possible in an attempt to get Mary to sit on their laps. Ron winced as Hermione tried to sit on him, talking it as a hint directed at her.

_Oh yeah, _he thought to himself. _I'm dating her._ He smiled grimly at her and patted his leg. She made a big deal of fanning out her robes and sitting down, smirking at Mary as Ron made exaggerated gacking motions to Harry, who hid a laugh with a cough when Hermione looked suspiciously his was. Ginny followed suit and sat on Harry, followed by Luna on Neville.

Mary wondered how so many people could fit into one carriage when she realized that they were all sitting on one another. She looked around, not wanting to be the only girl not paired up. Looking around, she saw Hermione. "Hermione, you look fat enough to support another person. Make room!" she said before sitting down on her.

"Hey! You're not so skinny yourself you know! Why don't you just take you and your out-of-proportion lady lumps elsewhere?" said Hermione, beginning to raise her voice..

"Actually, Hermione, she's quite skinny," said Ron in a matter-of-fact tone. Hermione gave him the death glare, which has been over-used in this story. Ron decided that it would probably be best for his health if he remained quiet for the rest of the way up to the castle.

Harry was looking lovingly at Ginny as Ron and Hermione had their altercation in the other corner. He then said, "I wish you had lovely lady lumps." Ginny, with a look of surprise that quickly turned to one of disgust, looked pleadingly at Luna.

Far from helping, Luna looked down at Neville and said "I wish you had lovely lady lumps too… What _are_ lovely lady lumps?" Neville was spared having to answer when they jerked to a stop and Draco Malfoy entered the carriage.

"Hello! I believe that the lovely Mary Suelicious is in this carriage?" he said, crawling around the mess of entangled legs, arms and such as everyone had forgotten who they were supposed to be sitting on. "Why, there she is! Let me take a shit – I mean sit – on your lap, if you don't mind."

A muffled scream could be heard from Ron, who already had two people sitting on him.

Mary stared in disbelief at the platinum boy with blond hair. _Actually, _she thought to herself, _He's pretty hot. I should start an affair with him too once I get sorted and for some unexplained reason Doombily holds a ball. Along with Harry… I wonder if they'll notice if I take them both into the same closet at the same time. _Ignoring the typing mistake that had been made concerning the word 'platinum', she smoothed out her robes for Draco, to the horror of Ron.

The carriage stopped in front of the castle, and they clambered out. The doors swung open to reveal Doombisdoor, whom to the students looked a sickly green color. Walking unsteadily, he made it three or four steps before fainting for unknown causes. The majority of the student body ignored this, chattering with old friends as they walked around (and some over) the fallen Dumbledore.

The second year, who Mary had hit with her hair, came up and poked him. "Hey, aren't you supposed to be dead?"

Dumbledories woke up for a few seconds to yell, "_It was a plot gap!_" before swiftly fainting once more.

The students entered the Great Hall. It was great. "Wow, this is so great," Harry said to no one in particular, looking around the room.

A panting Ron suddenly appeared behind Harry and Mary.

"Hey Ron! Where'd you go?" Mary asked.

"That bastard Malfoy! He knew I couldn't hold another person!" He gave a small whail. "Look at my nose!"

Mary and Harry both leaned in, peering at Ron's nose. It did look slightly misshapen.

"So wait, where'd you go?" Harry asked.

"I brought him to the Room of Requirement, telling him to think of whatever he wanted most. And when we walked in..." he gulped. "There were all these mirrors.. and he kept giving himself these little seductive smiles. It was really scary," Ron finished. "He's probably still in there winking at himself."

McGonagall suddenly poped out of nowhere and began to shush the students, telling them to get to their seats.

She then grabbed Mary and said, "You must be sorted!"

Mary waited anxiously to be sorted. Nervously walking up to the midget-sized stool with a rotting hat on it, she carefully putting it on, squirming, as she knew that she would probably get lice or maggots from this stupid hat.

_I sense courage, _thought the hat_. And yet, also cunning. Still yet, she is intelligent, brilliantly so, and rightly parades her talents. However, she is modest and humble, caring and cunning. Her bravery shines like the morning dew, and her cunning matches that of… well, me. And she just can't wait to be king... what does that mean?_

"_Gryffindor!_" Mary was stunned, yet pleasantly pleased. _And I will be king some day…Just you wait…and watch, if you please. _She flounced off to the Gryffindor table. Just as she started to sit down on Hermione's lap again, (Hermione with a look of pure terror on her face) McGonagall stood up from her seat next to Dumbledore and began her speech.

"Dear students, we are gathered here today to witness the passing of an old age – the old age filled with dreary, monochromatic school uniforms. We shall soon change to a bright new future—a future… in pink!"

A flash of light flashed and everything turned a bright bubble-gum pink, some things spotted with yellow polka dots. Crabbe and Goyle, who had been playing solitaire in the corner of the Slytherin table, screamed as they caught sight of each other before fainting. Nott, who had been sitting next to them, tried to hide her face, which was red with embarrassment.

McGonagall appeared as the puff of hot pink smoke, which had appeared around her body from the spell, diffused. The students saw she wore an itsy bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot bikini.

"I've worn it for the first time today just for the occasion!"

While Harry was busy vomiting up some vibrant fuchsia puke, Ron was busy imagining Mary in such an outfit.

"Dear Lord, Ron! Your nose is bleeding!" said Mary.

"There will be a new regime this year and... _Mr. Weasley_, could you _please _refrain from bleeding on the new pink table cloth?" McGonagall said as Dumsdaydore began to moan. "Yes dearie..." McGonagall said to Dumbledore before turning back to the students.

"Seeing as DumbalsMigee is incapacitated, he might try to wonder off. If you see this green zombie - " Professor McGonagall pointed at Doodlesdore " - Run and scream for your mothers."

McGonagall then cleared her throat, racking her brain for a way to prevent her having to teach class tomorrow. "And because of the transfer Mary Suelicious, we will be having a three-day party here at the castle and in Hogsmeade. There will be untainted butterbeer, and plenty of untainted food."

The students chattered away, innocently... none of them seeing the devious grins on McGonagall and Dumbledore's faces.


	3. The Voldemort & Harry Quidditch Face Off

**Saga 692: The Voldemort & Harry Quidditch Face Off**

Brother Pedro walked through the Spanish monastery, occasionally nodding to the other monks as he himself genuflected on God as they were.

He was happy to give up his life to God; he considered the funny hairstyle to be a bonus. True, writing out and intricately detailing entire books could be tedious (his monastery was a little old-fashioned) – but he enjoyed the simple life.

The Brother began to walk towards the center of an outside courtyard near a statue of Mary. The sun extenuated the grooves on the stone artwork, making Pedro want to sing of the beauty of his God's mother. Drawing closer, he was about to kneel when he was knocked over by a man dressed head-to-toe in black, and riding a... broomstick?

"Sorry!" the man cried in English in a curt British accent before flying away. The other monks all started at Brother Pedro as he shouted in out in Spanish:

"Goddamn fuckin' Jesus, what the hell was THAT?"

---

Voldemort walked out onto the Quidditch pitch, feeling proud of himself for remembering to wear the cloak three sizes too big so it would swirl out behind him in the wind. Looking back, he saw that it was indeed billowing – in fact, it was billowing so hard Wormtail seemed to have some difficultly walking behind him. It served him right – Peter was ALWAYS stepping on the back of his heels. He couldn't even to count how many times he had tripped because of that. It was very unbecoming of a supremely evil wizard to fall on his face.

He neared a group of teenagers who were standing in a pincer formation, their wands at the ready. Standing at the front of the group was the reason Voldemort was here – Harry Potter.

"So, Harry," Voldie drawled. "I take it you got my note, eh?"

Harry glared suspiciously. "Yes, I did."

"Well, you might be wondering why I invited you here."

The wind changed, and Harry now found himself fighting to get away from Voldemort's billowing cloak. Freeing himself, he said "Uh, no duh. Out with it."

Voldemort glared at him, displeased with being rushed with explaining what he considered to be his best Kill-Harry-Potter Plan yet, and said, "You see… we are going to have a tournament!"

Harry stared, not quite understanding. Voldemort laughed maniacally. Dramatic lightning flashed in the background.

"A QUIDDITCH FACE-OFF!"

Harry continued to stare at the laughing/cackling old man in front of him, who had fallen to his knees and was now pounding the ground with his fist. Coming to his senses, Harry said, "Fine, even though you'll lose. Give us an hour to get our robes," he said, gesturing to the members of his house's team.

Voldemort was still laughing like a hyena under the influence of some illicit substance (to the embarrassment of his Death Eaters, who were trying to look suave). He gave a wave of consent before rolling onto his back with a howl, tears streaming down his face as Lucius Malfoy nudged Snape, asking, "Wait up, I don't get it! What's so funny?"

Harry nodded to his unnamed bodyguards and ran back to the Gryffindor common room to gather equipment and his team.

---

Harry and his team came back to the Quidditch pitch with a quarter of an hour to spare, bringing along several people (who were mostly male, as the females were busy getting ready for the upcoming ball) from various houses. They were all enormously interested in the outcome of the most important, but probably stupidest, Quidditch game of the century, and whether or not Voldemort had mad Quidditch skillz.

A good number of Slytherins were already in the stands. On the Gryffindor side, Dean and Seamus had even taken the time to dress up Uggly Bottoms in red and gold. The creature had a flag saying "GO TEAM!" on it in one hand and a "#1" hand in the other; despite all this projecting rather obviously from his body, the squirrel still had to run somewhere else, squeaking, every five minutes as a new someone's buttocks came dangerously close to his head. The stands were a dangerous place for a small mammal, what with all the people trying to find a seat on which to rest their lovely lady lumps.

After Voldemort and Harry, the two seekers on their respective teams, had shaken hands (though it was really more of an I-can-do-anything-better-than-you-including-breaking-your-fingers-with-my-bare-hands contest) Madame Hooch blew her whistle and yelled:

"Let the game... BEGIN!"  
A running commentary could be heard in the background as Luna got her hands on the microphone.

"Hey, batter-batter! Nott gets the quaffle! But wait, it's intercepted by a boy whose name I forgot on the Gryffindor team! Another Death Eater who I can't see because he has a mask on is trying to send a bludger his way! But wait, it's been deflected by Potter! ...WAIT UP, WHY DO BOTH SEEKERS HAVE BEATER BATS?"

It was so. Harry and Voldemort had stopped looking for the snitch thirty seconds into the game, when Voldemort cursed one of the Gryffindor beaters to Madrid and stole his bat. Harry, not wanting to be left unarmed, set a Death Eater's broom on fire and stole a bat for himself. Since then, the two had been flying around the stadium, trying to get close enough to knock each other senseless.

As he whizzed towards Harry, Voldemort yelled, "Ha! Did I mention that I'm better than you, Potter? Chicks dig big, flowing robes! What's that YOU'RE wearing, spandex?"

Oh, it was _on_ now. "HEY! I'll have you know that this is special aerodynamic Quidditch under-armor!"

Soon, the game no longer resembled Quidditch. Madame Hooch had had to call out so many fouls she had given up on the game entirely and had gone out for coffee with McGonagall and the still incapacitated Dumbledore. Luna, however, was still trying to make an intelligible commentary on the game.

"The score is 150 to 150, and this has been one of the most… um… enthusiastic Quidditch matches in Hogwarts history! With neither team having a lead on finding the snitch, who will triumph? Remember, folks, this isn't just a game – it's a struggle for the fate of the world!"

More dramatic lightning flashed. The crowd cheered (halfheartedly, since they'd been cheering for hours and were tired). Suspense was heavy in the air, thick enough to cut with a knife, dense enough to support a small unit of livestock. No one could predict how it would end.

Suddenly, both seekers saw the snitch flying a few feet below them.

It was the moment of truth.

Harry reached for it…

Voldemort reached for it…

Both of them had almost touched it…

Then a largish purple bird flew by and swallowed the snitch whole.

The students in the stands cheered (for real this time). None of the houses knew who had won, but they were happy that it was over, as it was almost teatime and it was beginning to rain. Long after the spectators had gone inside, the sounds of Harry and Voldemort arguing continued to drift up to the stands.

"That bird was on my team!"

"No, it was on _my_ team!"

"No, mine!"

---

"Ohhh miiii Gawdddd, Harry Potter is so hot! I mean, I love it when he's fighting Voldemort and his beautiful piercing eyes seem to stare straight through you as sweat drips down his strangely muscular nose – "

Hermione stared at Ginny, this sudden revelation of hers scaring her. She then switched to glaring at Mary. All the girls had retreated to the dormitory at large around 3 o'clock in the morning to prepare their hair, clothing, (and for the people who could be heard screaming in the background, eyebrows) for the upcoming ball in Hogsmeade that was to take place soon.

Hermione had quickly discovered that Mary had the perfect body. Her robes framed her voluptuous bosom and her perfectly proportion backside – and this was the school uniform, which Hermione knew Mary didn't bother making herself look pretty in. Hermione knew that she had no chance with boys now that Mary had arrived.

Staring closely, Hermione discovered as Mary removed her shirt to put on her dress robes a long jagged scar in the shape of J running down her back. Mary noticed the stare, almost as if she had some sort of magical 6th sense, and turned to Hermione with a questioning glance.

Opening her mouth slowly, Hermione asked, "Where did that scar come from? It is the only mar on your otherwise..." she gritted her teeth. "Otherwise perfect body."

"Oh, well, I don't really like to talk about that, but... because you asked I guess I can tell you." She breathed deeply, her look becoming solemn. "It happened when I was about nine. I had a friend named John 'Hawk' Hunter whose father, John Hunter II, would watch us when we came home from school."

The look that had appeared on Mary's face before – that one of ultimate pain and suffering – deepened.

"When we were playing in the back, John came out and...and he...watched me till night came. He told me my mom had been delayed in traffic." Mary's eyes filled with sparkling tears that spilled over onto her face. "That night he took me into the backyard, saying that... we would watch the stars... what a lie..."

She gulped, saying, "And then he – "

"Raped you, didn't he? I know these sob stories. God, do they get dull." Hermione said, rolling her eyes.

Mary blinked, a confused look on her face. "No, then he took out a box of sparklers. I was burnt when he was spelling his name." Mary broke off from her tearful state saying, "Hermione... I didn't want to bring this up, but I don't want you to be embarrassed. Erm, Hermione... I think that dress makes your hair look oily."

Hermione blinked furiously as a picture of Snape (wearing a puce-colored dress similar to her own) came floating into her head. She shook it and said (in a crueler tone than needed), "Well, that dress has a way of enlarging your ass."

Mary looked behind at her backside. "You're right. But hey, it's all good. That's what I was going for!"

Hermione began to fume when her insult not taken to heart. Hermione decided to throw all caution to the wind, realizing it was going to turn into a cat fight anyway, and screamed, "You bitchy ho!"

Hermione lunged at Mary and began to pull her hair.

Mary drew her wand and yelled "_Denizmortumo_!" Hermione began to shed and turned a greenish tinge.

Hermione drew her wand and hissed "_Expelliarmus!_" Mary, with her quick reflexes managed to dodge, the spell so it hit the bookshelf, which sent books flying towards Hermione. Mary suddenly threw her wand aside, and standing up straight, gave a death glare to Hermione and muttered words unintelligible to the audience in the dormitory under her breath. Hermione began to twitch, clawing at her face as she fell into the fetal position.

A timid 2nd year came up to the fallen 7th year, looking apprehensive. "You guys, she needs to go to the Hospital Wing! She has... I don't even _know_ what that is!"

Several other girls came up to look at the fallen Hermione. Giant, pus-filled boils sprouted from her neck up, make her face look like a giant purple checker board. The children stared as a very suave, beautiful, (not to mention half-dressed, which might cause complications later in the story) Mary, walked out of the room.


End file.
